What else is new?

When are women going to learn that man flu, really is a lot worse then any kind of sissy girly flu they might have had in the past!

A manly runny nose is in fact worse then child birth, and when combined with a nasty cough is like giving kryptonite to superman! Although the symptoms may appear on the surface to be like any other strain of flu, I can assure you that man flu is like flu extra strength “now with added mucus”. It’s nothing like the common cold; it doesn’t even bear relation to the regular influenza. And should be reclassified as such! This is a class A; viral, we are not putting it on, or acting up for attention! We are at war with the beast, and are doing everything in are power to prevent more innocent men being infected with it! So that’s why we refuse to move, and going out of the house is out of the question!

Getting the most out of your man flu,

1, sighing, it’s important to sigh as loudly and as often as possible, this not only is away of forcibly expelling your germs a greater distance, but also has a satisfying sound. This can also help raise the sympathy stakes

2, runny nose, this feature should be welcomed, as it’s not only is it a visible sign of illness, its away of making wiping your nose on your sleeve, acceptable (use it while u can) plus with practice you can create huge snot bubbles from your nose

3, coughing, the tickler the cough, the better. Nobody wants to waste there time with some sissy single cough, not when u can have whole coughing fits that can be used in conjunction with sighs for extra effect (see tip1) Remember after coughing, if your eyes are not watering, you didn’t do it right!

4, sleeping, while the actually act of sleeping is useful for gaining a little extra energy, its not actually worth doing unless u can combine it with any of the above symptoms. Your better of sprawling across the couch, with a quilt wrapped round you. This way nobody will have time to forget how ill you are, and the TV remote control is still firmly yours!

5, alcohol, not that any real man needs an excuse to consume hard licker before breakfast, Its nice to have a whole arsenal of old wives tales and urban myths relating to how drinking can help relive the above symptoms. Use it while you can, hot toddies, Irish coffee’s, and straight shots of the hard stuff are all acceptable as traditional remidys. Dont let that stop you making up storys regarding tequila's remarkable healing properties

6, tissues, although not totally needed during this near death experience, they can provide some entertainment. Seeing how far you can throw the snot filled balls, and then seeing others struggling to pick them up without touching any of your free flowing nastiness. At this point you can use the now perfected sighing to deflect any evil looks that might be given to you by your offical carer. note: only man flu can create huge mountains of used tissues from one small box.

So now you have no excuse not to get the sympathy you deserve!.. Girls ringing your friends and relatives up and announcing we only have a cold, is not only dangerous to other male visitors, it’s a complete lie! I don’t know who you think you’re helping by committing such crimes!

Choose chav
Choose wearing your collar turned up high. Choose balancing your cap on the very top of your head. Choose hoodies. Choose wearing every piece of jewellery you have at all times, making sure as much as possible is visible by hanging your cheap chains on the outside of your t-shirts. Choose buying your clothes from a man on the estate. Choose talking with Jamaican or American accent depending on your taste. Choose smoking cheap weed on street corners. Choose to swing your arms when you walk in an effort to make yourself look bigger. Choose stealing cider from the local shop. Choose to tuck your jogging bottoms in to your socks or rolling one leg up. Choose buying the exact same things as everyone else in your group. Choose social disorder. Choose benefit fraud. Choose believing that knowing all the words to the latest Eminem album is better than knowing the alphabet. Choose dirty looks and losing fights in pubs. Choose visiting cash converter’s twice a week. Choose fake or stolen designer clothing (or by the time it gets to your estate stolen fakes).

Choose Goth
Choose wearing black clothing. Choose hanging chains from your pockets. Choose burning candles while writing down how much the world hates you and you hate it. Choose listening to dark music with virtually no understandable words. Choose painting your lips and nails black. Choose avoiding the sun. Choose sitting in a darkened room, walking around with your head down and sighing at every given opportunity. Choose smoking Marlboro Reds, while wearing pants that have the legs strapped together by tethers. Choose crying in your closet where nobody can see you because you think nobody understands you. Choose listing to the most out dated music you can find and believing that people don’t like it coz its to hardcore for them, Not because its utter shit!

Choose geek
Choose dungeons and dragons and star trek. Choose IRC. ÇHöö§Ë måkîñg üþ ¥öü® öwñ üßË® |ËËt Hå×ö® §þËËk. Choose comic books, mint limited editions. Choose Linux. Choose UNIX. Choose any nix. Choose Warcraft 1. Choose asthma. Choose random spouts of hyperactivity 0MFUG!1!! L0L!!!!1111!1shift111!!one11!!!! Choose pwning your foe. Choose watching Star Wars movies in you perants basement untill your 50. Choose chronic masturbation.Choose being really anal about the slightest detail in the most pointless of subjects.

Notes: Of course these are just high exaggerated stereo types, but we all know whot they are. For are US viewers a chav I guess is a cross between trailer park trash and wiggers. Goths can come in many forms some more extreme then others, but all from the same bloodline. Geeks…. Err we all know what a geek is!

In my experience, many people believe that New Yorkers are smarter than other Americans, and this may actually be true. The majority of people who live in New York City were not born here. Indeed, more than a third were not born in the United States. New Yorkers, then, are people who left another place and came here, looking for something, which suggests that the population is preselected for higher energy and ambition.
Also for a willingness to forgo basic comforts. Compare that with California, where even middle-income people have a patio on which they can eat breakfast and where almost everyone has a car. In New York, only upper-income people enjoy those amenities. The others would like to share them. I sometimes get into conversations with taxi drivers, and since most of them are new to the city, I often ask them what they miss about the place they came from. Almost always, they name very ordinary pleasures: a slower pace of life, a café where they could sit around and talk to friends, a street where they could play kickball without getting run over. Those who miss these things enough will go back home. That means that the rest of us, statistically, are more high-strung, hungry and intent on long-term gains—traits that quite possibly correlate with intelligence.
But I think it's also possible that New Yorkers just appear smarter, because they make less separation between private and public life. That is, they act on the street as they do in private. In the United States today, public behavior is ruled by a kind of compulsory cheer that people probably picked up from television and advertising and that coats their transactions in a smooth, shiny glaze, making them seem empty-headed. New Yorkers have not yet gotten the knack of this. That may be because so many of them grew up outside the United States, and also because they live so much of their lives in public, eating their lunches in parks, riding to work in subways. It's hard to keep up the smiley face for that many hours a day.
It is said that New Yorkers are rude, but I think what people mean by that is that New Yorkers are more familiar. The man who waits on you in the delicatessen is likely to call you sweetheart. (Feminists have gotten used to this.) People on the bus will say, "I have the same handbag as you. How much did you pay?" If they don't like the way you are treating your children, they will tell you. And should you try to cut in front of somebody in the grocery store checkout line, you will be swiftly corrected. My mother, who lives in California, doesn't like to be kept waiting, so when she goes into the bank, she says to the people in the line, "Oh, I have just one little thing to ask the teller. Do you mind?" Then she scoots to the front of the line, takes the next teller and transacts her business, which is typically no briefer than anyone else's. People let her do this because she is an old lady. In New York, she wouldn't get away with it for a second.
While New Yorkers don't mind correcting you, they also want to help you. In the subway or on the sidewalk, when someone asks a passerby for directions, other people, overhearing, may hover nearby, disappointed that they were not the ones asked, and waiting to see if maybe they can get a word in. New Yorkers like to be experts. Actually, all people like to be experts, but most of them satisfy this need with friends and children and employees. New Yorkers, once again, tend to behave with strangers the way they do with people they know.
This injects a certain drama into our public life. The other day I was in the post office when a man in line in front of me bought one of those U.S. Postal Service boxes. Then he moved down the counter a few inches to assemble his package while the clerk waited on the next person. But the man soon discovered that the books he wanted to mail were going to rattle around in the box, so he interrupted the clerk to tell her his problem. She offered to sell him a roll of bubble wrap, but he told her that he had already paid $2.79 for the box, and that was a lot for a box—he could have gotten a box for free at the liquor store—and what was he going to do with a whole roll of bubble wrap? Carry it around all day? The clerk shrugged. Then the man spotted a copy of the Village Voice on the counter and laid hold of it to use it for stuffing. "No!" said the clerk. "That's my Voice." Annoyed, the man put it back and looked around helplessly. Now a woman in line behind me said she'd give him the sections of her New York Times that she didn't want, and she began going through the paper. "Real estate? You can have real estate. Sports? Here, take sports." But the real estate section was all the man needed. He separated the pages, stuffed them in the box and proceeded to the taping process (interrupting the clerk once again). Another man in line asked the woman if he could have the sports section, since she didn't want it. She gave it to him, and so finally everything was settled.
This was an interesting show, to which you could have a wide range of reactions. Why didn't the box man bring some stuffing? If the clerk hadn't finished her Village Voice, why did she leave it on the counter? And so on. In any case, the scene sufficed to fill up those boring minutes in line—or, I should add, to annoy the people who just wanted to read their newspaper in peace instead of being exposed to the man's postal adventure. I won't say this could happen only in New York, but I believe that the probability is much greater here.
Why are New Yorkers like this? It goes against psychological principles. Psychologists tell us that the more stimuli people are bombarded with, the more they will recede into themselves and ignore others. So why is it that New Yorkers, who are certainly confronted with enough stimuli, do the opposite? I have already given a few possible answers, but here's one more: the special difficulties of life in New York—the small apartments, the struggle for a seat on the bus or a table at a restaurant—seem to breed a sense of common cause. When New Yorkers see a stranger, they don't think, "I don't know you." They think, "I know you. I know your problems—they're the same as mine—and furthermore we have the same handbag." So that's how they treat you.
This belief in a shared plight may underlie the remarkable level of cooperation that New Yorkers can show in times of trouble. Every few years or so, we have a water shortage, and then the mayor goes on the radio and tells us that we can't leave the water running in the sink while we're brushing our teeth. Surprise! People obey, and the water table goes up again. The more serious the problem, the more dramatic the displays of cooperation. I will not speak of the World Trade Center disaster, because it is too large a subject, but the last time we had a citywide power failure, and hence no traffic lights, I saw men in business suits—they looked like lawyers—directing traffic at busy intersections on Ninth Avenue. They got to be traffic cops for a day and tell the big trucks when to stop and when to go. They looked utterly delighted.
Another curious form of cooperation one sees in New York is the unspoken ban on staring at celebrities. When you get into an elevator in an office building and find that you are riding with Paul McCartney—this happened to me—you are not supposed to look at him. You can peek for a second, but then you must avert your eyes. The idea is that Paul McCartney has to be given his space like anyone else. A limousine can bring him to the building he wants to go to, but it can't take him to the 12th floor. To get there, he has to ride in an elevator with the rest of us, and we shouldn't take advantage of that. This logic is self-flattering. It's nice to think that Paul McCartney needs us to do him a favor, and that we live in a city with so many famous people that we can afford to ignore them. But if vanity is involved, so is generosity. I remember, once, in the early '90s, standing in a crowded lobby at City Center Theater when Martin Scorsesy walked in. Everyone looked at him and then immediately looked down. There was a whole mob of people staring at their shoes. I was glad that we had been polite to him.
Of course, the rule with celebrities, which forbids involvement, is different from the other expressions of common cause, which dictate involvement. And since few of us are celebrities, the latter are far more numerous. As a result, New Yorkers, however kind and generous, may also come off as opinionated and intrusive. Living with them is a little like being a child again and having your mother with you all the time, helping you, correcting you, butting into your business. And that, I believe, is another reason why New Yorkers seem smarter. Your mother knew better, too, right?

1. In Seattle, a fifty-six-year old man died last Thursday after being refused a liver transplant because he had followed his doctor's recommendation to use marijuana to ease the symptoms of hepatitis C. From the Associated Press story:
His death came a week after a doctor told him a University of Washington Medical Center committee had again denied him a spot on the liver transplant list. The team had previously told him it would not consider placing him on the list until he completed a 60-day drug-treatment class…
The Virginia-based United Network for Organ Sharing, which oversees the nation’s transplant system, leaves it to individual hospitals to develop criteria for transplant candidates.
At some, people who use “illicit substances”—including medical marijuana, even in the dozen states that allow it—are automatically rejected. At others, patients are given a chance to reapply if they stay clean for six months.
The cruelty and stupidity of this beggars belief. This patient did not need “drug treatment.” He was already undergoing drug treatment. Nor did he need to get “clean.” He was already clean. It’s the drug war that’s dirty. (H/t: John Leone.)
2. Until about a week ago, Marie Day Walsh was a hyper-respectable fifty-three-year-old housewife living in suburban comfort in Del Mar, California, near San Diego, with her husband of twenty-three years. They have two grown daughters and another still in high school. Then came a knock on the door. She was arrested and carted off to jail.
The back story: In 1975, when she was a nineteen-year-old hippie in Saginaw, Michigan, and her name was Susan LeFevre, she got arrested for peripheral involvement in a heroin deal. While awaiting trial, she took college courses. Hoping for mercy, she pleaded guilty. The judge, full of righteous wrath, sentenced her to ten to twenty years in prison. After a year or so, she walked away from a prison work site, escaping as she had offended: nonviolently. She had never been in trouble before and has never been in trouble since. Now she will probably be extradited to Michigan and imprisoned until she is in her sixties. Take a look at her and see if you think she is a menace to society - http://www.knbc.com/news/16082632/detail.html.
3. Two years ago, a large-scale study by Dr. Donald Tashkin, of U.C.L.A., a pulmonologist whose previous studies of marijuana had been used by drug-enforcement authorities to support their view that pot is dangerous, unexpectedly concluded that there is no connection between marijuana smoking and lung cancer, even among heavy pot smokers, which he defined as people who had smoked more than twenty-two thousand joints, i.e., a joint a day for sixty years. The study, which was funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, further suggested that pot might actually have some preventive effect.
The story didn’t get a lot of publicity, though the Washington Post did run a story on page A3 (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/25/AR2006052501729.html?nav=hcmodule). It will not surprise you to learn that it has had no effect on the nation’s drug “policies.”
Dr. Tashkin reiterated his findings last month before an audience of doctors and nurses. According to Fred Gardner's detailed report (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/25/AR2006052501729.html?nav=hcmodule),
Tashkin and his colleagues at U.C.L.A. conducted a major study in which they measured the lung function of various cohorts for eight years and found that tobacco-only smokers had an accelerated rate of decline, but marijuana smokers—even if they smoked tobacco as well—experienced the same rate of decline as non-smokers. “The more tobacco smoked, the greater the rate of decline,” said Tashkin. “In contrast, no matter how much marijuana was smoked, the rate of decline was similar to normal.” Tashkin concluded that his and other studies “do not support the concept that regular smoking of marijuana leads to COPD [Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease].”
On the other hand, imprisonment, disqualification for organ transplants, and the activities of the federal drug harassment industry remain hazardous to your health.

Primary school children should be eligible for the DNA database if they exhibit behaviour indicating they may become criminals in later life, according to Britain's most senior police forensics expert.

Gary Pugh, director of forensic sciences at Scotland Yard and the new DNA spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo), said a debate was needed on how far Britain should go in identifying potential offenders, given that some experts believe it is possible to identify future offending traits in children as young as five.

'If we have a primary means of identifying people before they offend, then in the long-term the benefits of targeting younger people are extremely large,' said Pugh. 'You could argue the younger the better. Criminologists say some people will grow out of crime; others won't. We have to find who are possibly going to be the biggest threat to society.'

Pugh admitted that the deeply controversial suggestion raised issues of parental consent, potential stigmatisation and the role of teachers in identifying future offenders, but said society needed an open, mature discussion on how best to tackle crime before it took place. There are currently 4.5 million genetic samples on the UK database - the largest in Europe - but police believe more are required to reduce crime further. 'The number of unsolved crimes says we are not sampling enough of the right people,' Pugh told The Observer. However, he said the notion of universal sampling - everyone being forced to give their genetic samples to the database - is currently prohibited by cost and logistics.

Civil liberty groups condemned his comments last night by likening them to an excerpt from a 'science fiction novel'. One teaching union warned that it was a step towards a 'police state'.

Pugh's call for the government to consider options such as placing primary school children who have not been arrested on the database is supported by elements of criminological theory. A well-established pattern of offending involves relatively trivial offences escalating to more serious crimes. Senior Scotland Yard criminologists are understood to be confident that techniques are able to identify future offenders.

A recent report from the think-tank Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) called for children to be targeted between the ages of five and 12 with cognitive behavioural therapy, parenting programmes and intensive support. Prevention should start young, it said, because prolific offenders typically began offending between the ages of 10 and 13. Julia Margo, author of the report, entitled 'Make me a Criminal', said: 'You can carry out a risk factor analysis where you look at the characteristics of an individual child aged five to seven and identify risk factors that make it more likely that they would become an offender.' However, she said that placing young children on a database risked stigmatising them by identifying them in a 'negative' way.

Shami Chakrabarti, director of the civil rights group Liberty, denounced any plan to target youngsters. 'Whichever bright spark at Acpo thought this one up should go back to the business of policing or the pastime of science fiction novels,' she said. 'The British public is highly respectful of the police and open even to eccentric debate, but playing politics with our innocent kids is a step too far.'

Chris Davis, of the National Primary Headteachers' Association, said most teachers and parents would find the suggestion an 'anathema' and potentially very dangerous. 'It could be seen as a step towards a police state,' he said. 'It is condemning them at a very young age to something they have not yet done. They may have the potential to do something, but we all have the potential to do things. To label children at that stage and put them on a register is going too far.'

Davis admitted that most teachers could identify children who 'had the potential to have a more challenging adult life', but said it was the job of teachers to support them.

Pugh, though, believes that measures to identify criminals early would save the economy huge sums - violent crime alone costs the UK £13bn a year - and significantly reduce the number of offences committed. However, he said the British public needed to move away from regarding anyone on the DNA database as a criminal and accepted it was an emotional issue.

'Fingerprints, somehow, are far less contentious,' he said. 'We have children giving their fingerprints when they are borrowing books from a library.'

Last week it emerged that the number of 10 to 18-year-olds placed on the DNA database after being arrested will have reached around 1.5 million this time next year. Since 2004 police have had the power to take DNA samples from anyone over the age of 10 who is arrested, regardless of whether they are later charged, convicted, or found to be innocent.

Concern over the issue of civil liberties will be further amplified by news yesterday that commuters using Oyster smart cards could have their movements around cities secretly monitored under new counter-terrorism powers being sought by the security services.e

Having spent more time lately in the U.S., one thing has become abundantly clear - Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is the nastiest beverage ever created. If ever there was a product that proved that American ingenuity is dead, it's Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi.

My theory on how Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi was created is that someone was wandering the desert in the Southwest, stumbled across an ancient spittoon, took the ingredients from said spittoon, re-liquefied it, added a tiny amount of carbonation, and then started selling it.

If Rocky 6 was a carbonated beverage, it would be Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi -- all preachy yet hard to understand, stupid and in bad taste.

If you haven't tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, but would like an idea of what it tastes like, do this - keep a straw in your pocket and wander around outside until you find a pigeon or squirrel that's been dead for, oh, say three months. Stick the straw into the dead animal and suck. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi tastes like that, except worse. Plus, the taste lingers in your mouth for months. And gradually gets worse until it's like your mouth was invaded by the notoriously rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.

What gets me is that they had high-paid executives sitting around a table, drinking this dreck and all nodding approvingly, "Oh yes, this is what America wants, a 'light, crisp, refreshing' beverage that tastes like Cheney sputum."

You want to defeat terrorists? Force them to drink Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi. I'm sure it would violate the Geneva Conventions, but they'd immediately tell you anything they knew, then hang themselves. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is torture in a 12-oz can.

I'm not an extremist. Really. I don't believe immigration will destroy the U.S. I don't believe 9/11 was an inside job. I don't believe a group of guys hiding in caves will emerge and force us all to live under sharia law. I don't believe that allowing same-sex couples to marry will eventually lead to men marrying the rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.

But having tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi once, I'm certain that the end of civilization is about three weeks away. Even the irritating gold, white, red, blue and black can should be enough to tell you that.

But hey, don't take my word for it, go ahead and find a way to get a free sample of the stuff (if you pay for it, you'll just encourage the folks at Pepsi to make more). You'll quickly see that I speak the truth: Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi is the worst tasting thing on this, and very likely any other, planet.

---

I hate the TSA. I don't want to be blown up on a plane, but the security theater is just ridiculous. In my head, I sometimes play a small 16mm film where a pure white background, similar to THX-1138, is presented.

In the future..


[calming flute music plays]

United States Department of Edutainment presents:
JILL RIDES AN AIRPLANE!
FASCO Films Department: (c) 2015


Jill is 23. She is going to fly from Newark, New Jersey to Los Angeles to see her grandmother, whom she hasn't seen since she was 11.

A few months ago, Jill had to go to her state-approved physician to apply for a Right to Fly exam (a FASCO class C exam). She had to submit blood tests and take a basic psychological profile exam (30 minutes of 500 questions). Her doctor passed her, and she was able to apply to the Federal Air Safety Control Office for a FASCO 101 compliance. In her paperwork, she had to detail her arrival and departure time, purpose of visit, a list of people she would see on her visit, a list of her last 4 previous addresses, and a list of all places she has visited for more than 1 hour 20 miles or more away from home. In addition, she has to provide the names and contact information of two witnesses who can vouch for her status as a citizen where one of them has to already have FASCO clearance within the last 5 years. The entire form has to then be notarized, submitted with some DNA samples, a fingerprint, and a current photo. Upon completion, Jill submits the entire set of forms, and waits 4-6 weeks.

Jill's boss, Mr. Sterner, flys frequently. He only has to submit a FASCO 201 when he wants to fly. He has to reapply for his FASCO 201 status every five years, but it only takes 2 weeks to get his 201 authorization back. After all, Mr. Sterner is a very important man!

Six weeks later, Jill gets her authorization which is good only for the flight she applied for. Should the flight plans change, she will have to reapply, but only use a FASCO 103 to reassign her destination time and dates, and that process takes only 1-2 weeks, or just a few hours if she drops by a FASCO office in person. Her authorization packet contains a copy of her submitted paperwork and her authorization, printed in a small booklet with color shifting ink and holograms to prevent forgeries.

Just before she left, Jill put her travel needs into a box and had it shipped to her destination using her favorite commercial carrier. She went to the airport wearing only comfortable casual clothes, her identification, and a small bag with some books to read, and a disposable one-day use cash card with a balance of all the money she should need for the day. Jill has read her homework, and is prepared to fly into safety!

She takes a cab to the airport arrival station. It's a large building in front of a securely guarded airport. As she passes by the throngs of people saying goodbye to loved ones, she makes sure she has her papers and smiles in anticipation of her safe and comfortable flight.

The arrival area is far away from the actual airport. She steps up to the line to her ticket booth. Gone are the lines to various carriers, they already know you're coming! She merely separates into lines for those who had FASCO Class 1, like herself, as well as Class 2, for people like her boss, and Class 3 for government or emergency workers.

When she gets to the counter, a uniformed woman takes her booklet, and compares it to her ID. She asks for a fingerprint scan. Uh oh! There's a problem. Jill can't remember what finger she used! But the lady helps her out, and within minutes, she's approved to go into the disrobing chamber. The lady gives her a neck tag, stamps Jill's forehead, and sends her on her way past the many guards down a hallway.

Jill knows what to expect. Helpful pictograph signs show her what she will be doing when she gets to the disrobing room. At the end of the hallway, she steps into a free closet, and strips down naked. Don't forget those earrings and hair bands, Jill! Jill remembered that the safety of her personal belongings could never be guaranteed, so she came wearing nothing she couldn't afford to lose. She puts her belongings in a plastic bag, and seals it nice and tight. She sees herself in the mirror. Oh my, Jill. We have been gaining a little weight, haven't we? Better lay off those desserts at the buffet when you're in Los Angeles, Jill!

Then she puts her tag around her neck, and inspects the red stamp on her forehead. It identifies that she's been passed by Desk 34 in Newark. The New Jersey seal of safety approval shines like a beacon of safety, letting Jill relax and know she's in capable hands. It helps in a crowd of people to identify she's authorized to be a passenger. It does not rub off until she will later wipe it off with a mild alcoholic solution. But for now, it is a reassuring red mark that she has safe and will be taken care of.

She takes the sticker off her sealed bag, and puts it in the designated area in her booklet. This will assure her that she can be identified with her belongings upon her arrival. Looking in the shelf, she grabs an "airplane gown," a form-fitting elastic jumpsuit similar to the snuggly pajamas she wore as a little girl. As the soft microfiber adheres to her skin, she admires her figure with small pale FASCO logos on them. She then grabs a set of disposable airline slippers and puts them on.

Now she's ready to fly!

[swell of orchestra music]

Taking her bag, she submits it to a guard near a line of people, waiting to go onto the security conveyor system. Like the sidewalks of tomorrow, they roll passengers past a series of safety rays, which scan for bomb and drug residue, as well as X-ray for any unauthorized implants of concealed cargo someone might carry. Good thing you didn't eat this morning, because they could tell you what's making you a little pudgy, Jill!

At the end of the line, you are told to go through one of several gates by a random number assigned to your ID tag. Randomly, you might be selected for extra deep scanning. Jill has not been selected, and from the sounds of the young well-developed teen ahead of her who was, it doesn't sound pleasant! Don't worry, Jill. That young girl is very safe thanks to a series of trained men who will keep her private and snug behind sealed doors. The deep scanning is to make sure that nobody is an enemy agent in league with a bad FASCO employee. While no enemy FASCO agent has ever been reported, it's thanks in part to random deep scanning and time-trusted series of rapid questions. After a few minutes with those boys, that girl would tell them anything they need to know! Including her boyfriend's secret nickname! And thanks to overhead safety laws used by US Customs, nobody can use the US Constitution against the rest of America. So don't worry, Jill. That girl is as safe as you are!

Once sorted and scanned, Jill is put on a bus, which will take her to the actual airport. Jill is excited, because she will get to be on a real airplane! While she has trouble containing her glee, Jill remembers that no talking is allowed on the bus with other passengers. After all, that driver has to concentrate on the road with almost no windows on the bus!

Once a tangled mess of confused people, airports are now modern areas of traffic efficiency! As the bus unloads its stream of warm and clean passengers, Jill is only minutes away from her airplane gate! In the olden days, this would take hours, and she would be led astray with the confusion of hallways, excess traffic, and merchants pestering here. But now as she follows the crowds to their scanning points, uniformed guards will scan her tags, and helpfully tell her where to go.

A turn to the left [beep]
A turn to the right [beep]
Down that hall [beep]
And then...

[music swells]

The airplane!

[chorus of angels]

Jill sits in the waiting area. The pilots and mechanics want to make sure that the airplane is juuust right for Jill's visit to her grandmother. Hours seem like minutes until she is escorted down a long hallway to the airplane itself.

Soothing music plays as Jill is seated. Everything has been taken care of for her. And while the seats seem awfully small, it won't matter once they get to flying. Jill is so excited, she hopes she can stay awake for the takeoff!

The plane is quickly filled and humming with the anticipation of a good flight. The captain states the flight information and remind people to lie back and relax as he rolls the airplane down the runway and the armed attendants put on their masks. Jill does not even hear the gentle hiss of the gas as it fills the cabin with its flowery smell. Just think Jill, the plane needs perfume just like you do! She knows that she's not going to have a reaction to the sleep gas because she had an exam from her physician! As she drifts to sleep, she gets the sensation of flying with a small smile on her lips...

... and landing! Jill awakens slowly. To Jill, only minutes have passed, but her muscles are stiff. Weather complication during a layover added an hour or two to their arrival time, but their tags have already been updated for them due to the modern computer system that keeps track of all its little passengers. The attendants give Jill some bottled water with a mild stimulant to help wear off the effects of the sleep gas. They are just like mom, always making her sleepyheads are awake!

When they get to the gate, Jill is filed off the plane and scanned. Her legs are stiff and sore, but quickly flow with new blood as she awaits her turn to be sorted and moved to a bus that will take her to the airport arrival station in Los Angeles. Her heart skips a beat when she sees the older airport towers of the retired LAX Museum of Flight. She can't believe she's really here!

Jill stands patiently in line, awaiting her clothing. It seems to take forever! They match her booklet and tag, find her sealed bag, and send her to a disrobing room to change into her normal clothing. She keeps the disposable slippers as a souvenir of her grand journey.

Is that Grandma outside, behind the two fences and barbed wire? It might just be...

[grand music plays and Jill and grandma hug one another]

Grandma! Oh, how she's missed her little girl! And that long nap has made Jill look refreshed and radiant! The stamp on her forehead glistens in the California sun as they go to Grandmas house and talk about Jill's exciting day...

On an airplane!

[music swells, credits play]

As background, no conversation about airline security should take place without at least trying to conceive of the almost incomprehensible size of the air transportation system. The size of the system is the reason everything the public and policymakers “think” should work in airline security doesn’t, and the reason our entire approach to airline security is almost completely ineffective against a threat like Al Qaeda — and the reason security almost always fails when tested by covert testers, innocent civilians and, occasionally, persons with intent.

At this moment, there are roughly 5000 commercial airliners in the skies above you. There will be 28,000 flights today, and 840,000 in the next month — every month. The U.S. fleet consists of some 6000 aircraft — almost all of which will be parked unattended tonight at a public airport. We will carry almost 7 billion passengers this year, the number increasing to 10 billion by 2010, barring an exogenous event like another 9/11.

There is simply no deployable technology that has a prayer of keeping a motivated, prepared terrorist out of the system every time — even most times. TSA misses more than 90% of detectable weapons at passenger checkpoints in their own tests, and it is not their fault, because of the limitations of technology and the number of inspections they must conduct. This doesn’t count several classes of completely undetectable weapons like composite knives and liquid explosives.

What is TSA’s fault is their abject failure to embrace more robust approaches than high visibility inspections, and their accommodations to the Air Transport Association’s revenue interests at the expense of true security, while largely ignoring the recommendations of the front-line airline crews and air marshals who have no direct revenue agenda and are much more familiar with airline operations than are the bureaucrats (remember government ignoring the front-line FBI agents who tried to warn them about 9/11?). Deplorable amounts of money have been wasted on incomprehensible security strategies, while KISS [Keep It Simple, Stupid] methods proven to work have been ignored.

Aircraft on the ramp are just one example of this.

Immediately after 9/11, the Administration deployed the National Guard to airport checkpoints to reassure the public, though the terrorists’ objective was not the checkpoint, but the aircraft. The Airline Pilots Security Alliance (APSA) called for putting National Guardsmen on airport ramps to monitor anyone around the aircraft, conduct random ID checks, and protect the aircraft from anyone putting suspicious cargo in the holds or cabin. We also called for 100% ground employee security screening, which, while flawed, provided some layer of prevention against minimum wage employees planting illicit weapons on commercial aircraft; we also called for behavioral profiling of passengers at security checkpoints.

None of this was done, and the aircraft on the ramp were “protected” only by vigilant employees who had other, more primary responsibilities. These aircraft were still freely accessible to many other employees who worked on the strength of a background check that said they hadn’t done anything yet.

Today, RON (remaining overnight) aircraft are invariably unattended and unlocked all night. Commercial aircraft typically do not have locks in their doors. They are protected by roving airport police patrols and closed circuit cameras. Neither methodology is very robust. A skeleton crew of employees is also on duty who may see something suspicious, but most have gone home. Jetway doors prevent access from the terminal but the exterior aircraft doors are unlocked to anyone who pushes a stairway up to them.

There have been numerous breaches of airport perimeters (see www.secure-skies.org, How Safe Are You?, Airport Perimeter Security), often by people who weren’t even trying. At least one Al Qaeda sympathizer employed as a catering truck driver was arrested after driving onto airports for months, gathering intelligence.

It is certainly possible for a terrorist to jump the airport fence and walk to the airplanes, particularly at smaller airports, some with low fences and no or few cameras. But the greatest threat to RON aircraft is that anyone with an airport swipe card can get on board unsupervised. This includes third-party catering trucks coming in from outside the perimeter (almost impossible to inspect in any meaningful way), subcontracted cleaning crews, and unskilled ramp employees.

There have been at least three “rings” of employees arrested since 9/11: one for large-scale theft from passengers’ bags, and two for putting illicit guns and drugs onboard aircraft. The only reason these events did not result in a successful terror attack is because the bad guys were thieves and smugglers, not terrorists. If those guns had been planted in the cabin of an aircraft, a terrorist team could have simply cleared security with their fellow passengers the next day, and armed themselves once they were onboard.

This threat is mitigated by the fact that pilots, flight attendants, and ramp agents now routinely inspect the aircraft before flight each day, and this provides a measure of security. But it is not foolproof. Since there is little time to do a thorough inspection prior to passenger boarding, well-concealed weapons can be missed. A Maryland college student successfully planted hidden weapons in the lavatories of four or five Southwest Airlines jets several years ago. He carried them right through the security checkpoint. He was successful every time he tried. And in some cases, the weapons were not discovered for weeks. There is also a strong suspicion that weapons were “pre-planted” on some of the aircraft targeted on 9/11.

From a terrorist’s point of view, the downside of pre-planting weapons is that if they are found, the attack is thwarted literally before the plane gets off the ground, and warning is given to the entire air transport system. But remember: the terrorists are also warned of the find, and do not have to risk compromise — they just stay home. Conversely, if CNN isn’t broadcasting found weapons on airliners, the terrorists would know the operation has a good chance of succeeding, even before they arrive at the airport.

By the way, we constantly have to walk the line between sharing enough information to get fixes implemented, while not sharing so much it compromises our safety even more. Everything I’m writing is easily available to a motivated intelligence-gathering cell. There are other problems I won’t discuss, because the information is not publicly available. That doesn’t mean it’s not real.

What needs to happen across all segments of airline security is a philosophical change from trying to prevent an attack (which doesn’t work in a system this size) to defending against one (which does — a la Flight 93).

Almost six years after 9/11, it is inexcusable that — in an environment where TSA misses more than 90% of weapons, RON aircraft are not secured, and ground employees are not screened — fewer than 2% of our airliners have a team of armed pilots aboard, fewer than 5% have air marshals, and the flight attendants have no mandatory tactical or behavioral assessment training. $24 billion dollars later, we are not materially safer, except in the areas of intelligence that prevent an attack from getting to an airport. Once at the airport, there is little reason to believe the attack won’t succeed.

If these airplanes were appropriately defended, it would matter less who got onboard and with what weapon. We could then redeploy TSA assets to protecting RON aircraft, securing the ramps against suspicious persons, and randomly checking employee ID’s, as well as implement 100% cargo/baggage inspection and government funding for explosive-proof cargo compartments and missile defense.

It has taken six years, but TSA is now finally flirting with behavioral assessment training for screeners and random (but not mandatory) ground employee inspections. The airlines complain screening all ground employees would significantly hinder airline operations. They’re right — it would.

As usual, though, it has taken far too long for even these fixes, and there’s no action on the most meaningful improvements: dramatic expansion of the Federal Flight Deck Officer program, redeployment of air marshals on more specific, instead of random flights, and treating crews as critical assets, instead of as members of the general public, in terms of training and information sharing.

There is no question that we will get airline security right someday. My only question is whether, at this point, we will get it right before the next attack. After 9/11, we were given the gift of time and of awareness. I am very concerned we have squandered the gift of time — and there is little left before we are hit again — and we are losing the gift of awareness, as we truly forget what that morning was like. There is no question in my mind, based on everything I hear in my position, that Al Qaeda is actively, aggressively preparing to target the United States again, and that commandeering an airliner is still the easiest, quickest method of possessing a weapon of mass destruction. I am even more concerned that the next attack could be far worse than 9/11, which, while devastating, would pale in comparison to other available targets.

Recalling World War II, the Japanese didn’t surrender after Hiroshima because they believed there was only one atom bomb. It was only after another bomb hit Nagasaki — after we proved we could do it again — that their country collapsed. Similarly, another successful 9/11 would devastate our country in ways we can’t even imagine — probably much more than the first attack, as we realize they can do it again despite our “best” efforts.

Government and airline management are taking an awful chance in promoting the appearance of security, instead of using, as President Bush promised, “every resource available” in this new world war.

I know I’ve gotten pretty far afield of your topic, but I want to give you the sense that RON aircraft are just one small piece of a multilayered security system wherein every layer leaks like a sieve. The problem is much, much bigger than any single element.

In the end, we should be starting with defending the smallest spaces — the cockpits and cargo compartments, and working outward to the limits of our resources; instead of starting with the airport perimeter and working inward, ignoring the actual defense of those spaces that are actually the terrorist targets. And we should be using the resources already in place to the greatest extent possible, instead of trying to bring new, untried methods into play, then waiting to find out they don’t work nearly as well in reality as they do on paper.

Dave Mackett
President, Airline Pilots Security Alliance
www.secure-skies.org

There are quite a few documents out there that claim to be guides for a virtuous and productive life from the Bible, to the Koran, Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist and, of course, Big Tony Robbins's Unleash the Giant Within.

Recently, however, while watching my all time favourite movie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, it dawned on me that everything you need to know about life is contained in the 102 minute running time of this '80s classic.

As the school secretary points out, "the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore Ferris. They think he's a righteous dude," and I'd have to agree.

Ferris Bueller pretty much embodies everything I believe a man should be: a little dangerous, immensely charming, funny, an optimist, adventurous, challenging, a bit dodgy, curious, subversive, latitudinarian and a dab hand with the sheilas.

Anyway, what follows took far longer to produce than it looks, so please read on and discover the secret to life according to Ferris...

Ferris Bueller's Day Off was released by Paramount Pictures on June 11, 1986 to warm but not rabid reviews and went on to earn US$70,136,369 and just over a million bucks in Australia.

No one could have predicted it was to become the guiding light of cool for an entire generation of young hustlers, but then again, I couldn't predict if I was going to survive the weekend in 1986.

Be positive
The first words in the movie are "it is a beautiful day in Chicago."

Writer and director John Hughes could have gone with snow, wind, rain, or a heatwave but he chose the perfect day. I like it.

Bonus trivia: The opening shot of the Bueller home is actually shot in Long Beach, California. This apparently distressed Hughes somewhat since he wanted the movie to be completely filmed in Chicago, his native town.

I've often pondered why Ferris Bueller's Day Off is such a good film and I reckon it starts with Hughes, a true sponge for popular culture. Despite some of the cheese he's produced later in his career, Hughes managed to write some of the greatest teen films of the '80s including Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), Pretty in Pink (1986), Weird Science (1985), The Breakfast Club (1985) and Sixteen Candles ((1984). That's a hot streak in anyone's book.

You are smarter than your parents
We all know the premise of the film, right? Ferris Bueller, perennial sickie-taker, throws his ninth of the year and has an awesome day off school. You and I know Ferris is faking it at the beginning of the movie, but his parents buy it in spades mainly because of...

The power of the reverse sell
Ferris has not pulled off his scam until he tries to get out of his sick bed saying, "I have a test today." His parents dutifully push him back into the pillow, assured by his academic vigilance.

This is called the reverse sell and it means stepping back, not being too keen to push your product or services, or sometimes even withdrawing your offer to get the buyer to commit.

Works very well in bars about 9pm on a Friday night.

Bonus trivia: Matthew Broderick wasn't the first choice for the role of Ferris. The part was originally offered to Michael J. Fox, a neat twist since Broderick was apparently the first choice to play Fox's role of Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. According to Wikipedia, Jim Carrey and Johnny Depp were also considered for Ferris.

Little sisters are brutal
Jeanie Bueller nearly blows Ferris out of the water with her "dry that one out, it could fertilise the lawn" line, going on to say, "if I was bleeding out of my eyes you wouldn't let me stay home from school. This is so unfair."

Sweet baby Jesus, Jeanie, don't you know that...

Life is unfair
Suck it up, freaks. As Ferris says: "Please don't be upset with me, at least you have your health."

Bonus trivia: The opening scene in Ferris's bedroom had two sets of real lovers in real life: The actors playing the mother and father got married after shooting the film, while Broderick was putting away Jennifer Grey. Hey, that rhymed.

The art of clammy hands
I even used this at school myself. As Ferris says: "Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so is high school. Right?"

Bonus points: Get a sandwich out of your school bag, chew it up and spit a few mouthfuls into the dunny to show your parent/teacher. Works a charm and they never wanna get close enough to smell the gastric juice.

"Life moves pretty fast...
...if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it."

An absolute mortal lock for line of the movie. Line of your life. Get it in a tattoo and read it in the mirror every time you feel like staying home to watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? instead of, umm, experiencing life.

Singing in the shower should be mastered
As should shampoo mohawkes.

Believe in yourself
Says Ferris: "Not that I condone fascism. Or any 'isms'. 'Isms', in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an 'ism'. He should believe in himself."

Slow clap for the second most profound line of the movie.

Have a rich buddy
Like Cameron. They can pay for stuff and usually own cars, boats and holiday houses down the coast and sometimes sport drug addictions you can coat-tail off.

All good if you ask me.

Bonus trivia: Did you know Allan Ruck, who played Cameron, was 29-years-old when he filmed the role? Amazing that he's done so little since, unless you count a role in Spin City as a move-up.

For the record, at the time of filming, Broderick was 23, Jennifer Grey was 25, Mia Sara was just 17, Charlie Sheen was 20 and Kristy Swanson was all but 16 years old.

Swanson, who went on to fame as the orginal Buffy in the film Buffy the Vampire Slayer cracks a small part as Simone Adamley, the eager-beaver classmate of Ferris who informs the economics teacher (played by a poker-faced Ben Stein), that Ferris is crook.

"You're not dying, you just can't think of anything cool to do."
Which relates to about 80 percent of people. No imagination.

There's always someone trying to hold you back in life
Like Edward R. Rooney, Dean of Students. Who's the Mr Rooney in your life?

85 percent of what you learn in school is useless crap
"In 1930 the Republican controlled house of representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of ... class? ... anyone ... anyone ... the Great Depression, passed the ... anyone ... anyone?"

Bonus trivia: Stein, who plays the teacher in this scene, holds a degree in economics, and ad-libbed the bit where he drones on about the the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act.

Never underestimate the power of gossip
So by the time we're 12 minutes into the movie, we've got chicks saying things like, "they said he's like on the verge of death. This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder."

All I'm saying is make sure you're on the right side of gossip and people aren't talking about you and the gaffer-taped guinea pig.

Younger kids are feeble-minded and can be manipulated
Ferris tricks the freshmen at his school to spread more gossip and build the rumour of his sickness. I like to tell small children I can see through walls and that eating dirt makes you run faster.

Be able to move in all circles
As the school secretary points out, "He's very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."

Yeah, I know I already used this quote - but you're still reading aren't ya?

Tell your parents you love them
Ferris does a lot of this. So should you. Your parents are worth it.

Be persistent
Cameron, who is also sick in bed at the start of the film, debates whether or not to go to Ferris's house but he knows he's dealing with a force of nature: "He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I go over," says Cameron. It's a good reputation to have.

Date hot chicks
Sloane is still smoking, even after all these years.

On an unrelated point, you'd have to admit FBDO was a bit of a career graveyard for the actors involved. No one save Broderick really did anything after it. Mia Sara's not exactly a household name is she?

Back up your bullshit
Sure the whole dummy in bed and snores on the stereo strained credulity but it provides another powerful lesson. If you're gonna play silly buggers, cover your tracks, kiddies.

Pity no-one told Kevin Rudd's brother.

The 1961 Ferrari GT California...
Hot cars do rule. But you know that, don't you?

Says Cameron: "Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion."

"It is his fault he didn't lock the garage", replies Ferris.

Later in the movie Ferris even gives us the hard sell: "I love driving it. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

I got the bus to the work today. Sad Sam.

God won't save you
Cameron crosses himself when he realises Ferris is taking the Ferrari and we know where that gets him.

Bonus trivia: As Cameron states, less than 100 of the cars were made with no two being the same. They are valued at over US $3 million. However, the car used in the movie was actually a modified MGB.

Extra bonus trivia: According to Save Ferris website, "the Ferrari's personalised license plate was NRVOUS standing for, of course, nervous. Did you know that all of the Bueller cars' license plates were also personalised and referred to other John Hughes films?

"Tom Bueller's license plate reads MMOM referring to Mr Mom. Katie Bueller's reads VCTN referring to National Lampoon's Vacation and Jeanie's license reads TBC which, of course, refers to The Breakfast Club. Ed Rooney's plates read 4FBDO, standing for, For Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

Have a plan
So if you're dating someone as hot as Sloane and she asks you, "what're we gonna do?", you need to have your ducks in a row, or as Ferris says: "The question isn't 'what are we gonna do', the question is 'what aren't we going to do?'"

I'm excited by that prospect and I'm not even a 17-year-old girl.

Bonus trivia: Did you know they made a Ferris Bueller TV show? God, it makes me wanna vomit my heart on whoever thought of this pile of crap. Thankfully it died a painful death but it did star Jennifer Aniston as Jeanie Bueller.
Bet she didn't bring that up at the casting for Friends.

Never trust a bloke who tells you to relax.
Like the garage attendant who takes off in the Ferrari and runs the mileage up on it.

"You fellas have nothing to worry about. I'm a professional", he says.

Didn't Conrad Black say that when he bought into The Sydney Morning Herald?

Expensive snooty restaurants blow
But it's cool when you get handed warm towels in the brasco by the piss-boy.

You can never go too far
"Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive", says Ferris.

Baseball is the greatest game in the world... you just don't know it.
"Ayy batter batter, sa-wing batter."

Bonus trivia: The Wrigley Field scene is shot on location there only because the Chicago Cubs were in town on the day of the shooting; otherwise it would have been shot at the old Comiskey Park, because John Hughes is a White Sox fan (pity they're ten games under .500 this year but they did win the World Series in 2005).

Art is cool
The paintings selected for inclusion in the Art Institute of Chicago scenes were chosen because they were favorites of Hughes, who spent many hours at the Institute while growing up. Included was Edward Hopper's painting Nighthawks which was famously parodied by Gottfried Helnwein in his work Boulevard of Broken Dreams featuring Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, and Elvis Presley.

Karaoke rocks
And only soft-cocks and bores don't partake of it. If you don't have at least one great karaoke song in your repertoire, you should. Ferris has at least two including 'Danke Schoen' and 'Twist And Shout'.

When your girlfriend screams "get off the float!" [or stage], just make the pistol gesture at her with your fingers and keep singing.

Lucky rabbits' feet work and I don't care what you say
Ferris rubs his in the cab when they're pulled up next to his dad and they don't get sprung. It also leads to the next epiphany...

Your dad probably wants to shag your girlfriend
Creepy but true. Come on, have you seen how Mr Bueller looks at Sloane?

Attitude is everything
When Cameron says of Ferris, "As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything", you got the whole movie in one.

Ferris handles everything because he tells himself he can. Cameron can't handle anything because he tells himself he can't. Kids should have to watch this movie a hunnie times before Year 8, I'm telling you.

Musical interludes sometimes just work.
And the 'Twist and Shout' one in FBDO is one of the best.

Highlights include the gyrating construction worker and the shimmying window cleaner; the all-black dance team who come down the stairs, the identical triplet dudes with beards (wearing suits), the black guy who looks like he's having a fit when he's dancing, the chick who somersaults above the crowd, the little kid who covers his ears, Ferris' dad dancing in his office and the look Sloane gives Ferris while he's singing, like she wants to lick him everywhere that matters. Just gold.

The only other musical interlude that comes close in recent years for my money is the 'I Say a Little Prayer' rendition in My Best Friend's Wedding led by Rupert Everett. Advances the plot, gives you character information, is damn funny and you can't get it out of your head. I may be gay.

"Anyone who would nail me wouldn't go to a parade."
So says Ferris. Still trying to work out what this line means, 21 years later.

Parking inspectors suck
Even if they're ticketing Mr Rooney's car.

You gotta have friends
What can you say about buddies who'd send a singing nurse over to your house who recites: "I heard that you were feeling ill, headache, fever and a chill, I came to help restore your pluck because I'm the nurse that likes to..."

Don't marry the first woman you sleep with
Says Ferris: "Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance."

You all know my thoughts on promiscuity. Let's just say that having a few different shags before you commit to the one person for the rest of your life can save you some heartache. And cause some heartache. Damn, now I'm confused.

"You can't respect somebody who kisses your arse."
Translated from the American, as stated by Broderick: "She won't respect him (Cameron)because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

Tell me about it.

Bad boys do pull more roots
Charlie Sheen's character in the police station is a template for every bloke you should be scared of, if he's interested in your girlfriend. These guys are like crack cocaine for women; they know he's the worst thing possible for them, but the still pick up the pipe and pucker.

"Your problem is you"
When Sheen's character goes on to tell Jeanie Bueller, "you oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does," he could be speaking for the planet. Third best line in the movie.

Bonus triva: FBDO won no major awards. Matthew Broderick did receive a 1987 Golden Globe nomination for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical). Guess who beat him? Paul Hogan for Crocodile Dundee.

Don't be scared
When Cameron sees the mileage has been run up on his dad's car, he goes into a 'coma', which then leads to the big emotional journey of the film.

After he 'wakes', he says he'd been meditating; "I sort of watched myself from inside. I realised it was ridiculous being afraid, worrying about everything, wishing I was dead, all that shit. I'm tired of it. This is best day of my life."

You said it brother.

You can't wind a speedometer back by going in reverse
Derr.

Sometimes you gotta take a stand
Cameron gets some beautiful lines in this movie. When he realises the speedo can't be wound back, it has a huge impact and reverberates through his whole attitude.

"I gotta take a stand. I am not going to sit on my arse as the events that effect me unfold to determine the course of my life."

And then proceeds to kick the shit out of his dad's car. An incredibly violent and moving scene, even all these years later.

Women love drama
When the Ferrari goes backwards out the window of the Frye garage, Ferris looks horrified. Sloane? She smiles.

"You killed the car"
Another great line, and it leads to Ferris offering to take the heat for Cameron. I've got a few friends who'd do this for me as well. That's why they're my friends. That's why I'd do the same for them. I'm tearing-up as I type. Really.

"It's gonna be good"
"When Morris comes homes we're gonna have a little chat," says Cameron. He's passed through the fire and is going to confront his father and it's gonna be good. He's made the decision that it's going to be that way and you believe him.

"For the first time in his life he's gonna be just fine," says Ferris to Sloane. Ferris sees it. We all see it. And if you've seen this film enough times you realise this, Ferris Bueller's Day Off is actually Cameron's story. It should be called Cameron's Frye's Transformation but that wouldn't be as snappy.

Cameron is all of us who need to step up and take charge of our lives, who sit on our arses as the events that affect us unfold to determine the course of our lives.

And you thought you wouldn't read anything cool in today's blog? Shame on you.

There's always time to talk to women
Perhaps my favorite moment in the film is when Ferris is running home and takes a moment to stop and introduce himself to two girls sunning themselves in bikinis (even though it's 6pm).

This, and other timing problems are discussed more fully in the The Ferris Bueller Timeline Problem , if you have the time to read it.

"You knew what you were doing when you woke up this morning"
Says Sloane of Ferris.

Do you? Or are you just floating downstream like a dead giraffe in Rwanda?

"Can you imagine someone sick as Ferris trying to walk home from hospital?"
On ya Jeanie. She finally comes full circle as well and helps Ferris deal with Mr Rooney.

So many people spend their life feeling jealous of friends and relatives, rather than grooving on their achievements and getting in on the fun. It's fun to be interested in other people's lives. Give it try. Just don't look in their bedroom window during sex.

"How'd you get to be so sweet?"
Asks Ferris's mum.

"Years of practice", he replies.

If you haven't been practising, it's not too late to start.

"Yep, I said it before, I'll say it again...
...life moves pretty fast... you don't stop to look around once and while, you could miss it."

Interestingly, in the shooting script dated, July 24, 1985, this is the final line in the movie, spoken by Ferris: "Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. You gotta get one."

But the message is the same; suck the juice from the seconds people. You only get one life.

"You're still here?"
When you watch all the way through the credits, Broderick appears in his bathrobe, incredulous the viewer is still hanging about: "It's over. Go", he says.

And so should you.

Want an iPhone? Of course you do. It looks sexy, it's innovative, and--for a while at least--it'll be the ultimate status symbol. But in the fog of iPhone hype, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that the latest Apple sensation will still have its share of disadvantages. We don't have the king of gadgets in our mitts yet, but judging from the information that has already been released, clearly some folks could have problems with the iPhone. So before you dump your current cell phone, consider these issues.

Data that crawls: When AT&T's EDGE network debuted in 2005, it seemed zippy indeed, delivering data at up to 100 kilobits per second. But that was then. Today, with true 3G technologies delivering data at up to several hundred kbps, Apple's decision not to support AT&T's UMTS-HSDPA 3G network seems short-sighted--especially given the iPhone's investment in cool new Web browsing technology that doesn't suffer from the compromises of a mobile browser. In our limited hands-on tests a few months ago, downloading the New York Times' front page via EDGE took quite a few seconds. AT&T has tacitly acknowledged this potential problem by announcing upgrades to its EDGE network in anticipation of the iPhone launch. And of course, the iPhone will support Wi-Fi, which will make Web page downloads much more feasible if you're in range of a hotspot.

Limited third-party apps: Lots of cell phone power users get more value out of the applications they've loaded on their handsets themselves than the often lame or expensive offerings from their carriers. When the iPhone was first announced, third-party apps seemed shut out entirely, a move that prompted one online petition of protest. Now Apple says that developers can create iPhone apps that run in Safari. Only two problems with that: First, those apps may be fairly poky given the iPhone's slower EDGE network connection. Second, many developers seem to hate writing for Safari. As PC World forums member dazeddan said, "As a developer, we have more problems designing around Safari than any other platform. I wish it would just go away."
Where are the keys? The iPhone's software keyboard, with its on-screen key images, may work fine with Steve Jobs's single-finger hunt-and-peck approach, but it could prove problematic for those folks who have honed their thumb-typing skills on BlackBerry units, Treos, Motorola Q handsets, or other PDA phones with physical QWERTY keyboards. Things did not go well for one PC World editor when she tried typing on a prototype iPhone in January; even the best predictive text entry software would have been stymied by the string of incorrect characters. Plus, what happens when the on-screen keyboard covers up the very e-mail text you're trying to respond to?

It costs how much?! You've probably already heard about the iPhone's astronomical price: $500 for a 4GB model and $600 for 8GB. But you may not have calculated all the other costs associated with buying one. You'll have to make a two-year commitment to AT&T at a per-month cost that starts at $60, recent reports say (though that includes unlimited data access, something AT&T often charges $40 for on smart phones). And unlike with pretty much every other phone in the world, making that commitment doesn't knock down the price, it's just a requirement. Plus, if you're in the midst of a prior two-year commitment with a competing carrier, your cost of iPhone ownership could be further inflated by the early termination penalty you'll pay your current carrier. And finally, AT&T doesn't always receive high marks for its service. You may be okay with the deal now, but how will you feel in a year if the iPhone is no longer the coolest handset on the planet?

Businesspeople need not apply: It's a safe bet that many professionals will want an iPhone. But BlackBerry, Windows Mobile, Palm, and Symbian smart phones offer a long list of business-related features that the iPhone apparently won't, at least upon release. For instance, while the iPhone apparently will connect with Exchange servers, it will require some security trade-offs that could make your IT department nervous. There's no word on connecting to Domino servers. And though you can open Word and Excel files on the iPhone, you can't edit them.

Want an iPhone? Of course you do. It looks sexy, it's innovative, and--for a while at least--it'll be the ultimate status symbol. But in the fog of iPhone hype, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that the latest Apple sensation will still have its share of disadvantages. We don't have the king of gadgets in our mitts yet, but judging from the information that has already been released, clearly some folks could have problems with the iPhone. So before you dump your current cell phone, consider these issues.

Unplugged Web plug-ins: The iPhone's Safari may turn out to be the most desktop-like browser ever to appear on a phone. But it won't offer the full complement of plug-ins, players, and other enhancements that today's sites require. And an iPhone without Java, Windows Media, Real, and Flash Video support will fall short of delivering an uncompromised Web experience. (Even its much-touted YouTube capability won't let you watch the full catalog of YouTube videos, at least initially.)

The battery life question: Apple says that the iPhone's battery will survive up to 8 hours of talk time, up to 250 hours of idle time, up to 6 hours of Internet use, up to 7 hours of video playback, and up to 24 hours of audio playback. And to explain how it came up with these numbers, the company has posted a list of footnotes and disclaimers that rivals the rules you find on a "free trip to Hawaii" sweepstakes form. We won't know the reality until we're holding the iPhone in our trembling, multitouching fingers. Apple's spec page says that the 8 hours of talk time was achieved when "the Wi-Fi feature Ask to Join Networks was turned off." So how disabled was the Wi-Fi when talk time was tested? Apple also doesn't make clear what combination of 802.11b/g Wi-Fi and EDGE was employed to achieve the 7 hours of Internet use. Macs have pretty good power management settings. What will the iPhone offer? Until more is known, be prepared to carry around the phone charger.

Off-limits battery: While we're on the subject of the battery, it's worth noting that, like the original iPod, the iPhone has its battery enclosed in a superslim case among tightly negotiated electronics and behind a top surface of glass--reducing the chances of a DIY battery replacement to next to nil. (Plus, we suspect that attempting a replacement voids the warranty.) So if your battery life dwindles to roughly 6.5 minutes per charge, or the battery malfunctions, you'll have to send your iPhone in for repair.

Finally, a few other issues that probably aren't deal-breakers but are still worth considering:

It's a thief magnet: Everybody wants an iPhone, including people who aren't above stealing yours.

Multismudge screen: You can use all five fingers on the screen at once? Better wash your hands first.

OMG no IM: Inveterate chatters won't be so :) about being limited to SMS.