Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Unless you live in a country so remote that you think Michael Jackson is still black and known mainly for his music, mobile phones (also known as cell phones in the US just to confuse Europeans in movies) are probably part of your everyday life.
We all use mobile phones in the civilized world. We use them to warn loved ones when we are going to be late home from work, we use them to text message friends when we're unable to meet them as arranged, and we use them to contact the skank we're seeing on the side that is making us late for both the reasons above. Then we use them to dump said skank when something better comes along or we catch something nasty.
Mobile phones, in a word, are indispensable. We need mobile phones in the modern world just the same as we need oxygen, water and football. The phone companies have us by the balls and they know it. Except for the girls, who they have by the nipples.
So why, I ask you, are they always offering us better and better deals?
Seriously, we've all seen the ads…
• Free calls after 7pm
• Unlimited local calls
• 100 free talk minutes
• Free Asian girl with loose morals with every third brain tumour.
The list is endless. The mobile phone companies are always offering us a better deals and what I want to know is why? Why are they offering us all these extra minutes and cheaper call deals when they know we need the phones so badly we'd pay whatever the hell they ask, whenever the hell they ask?
Ladies and Gentlemen, there is only one logical explanation…
They want us to talk more on our mobile phones because they are playing subliminal messages in the background static to control our minds!
Think about it, it's obvious! How else can we explain the amount of shoes women buy in an average week?
We all know that women talk more on the phone than men do, and we all know women buy a whole lot more shoes. Coincidence? I think not! The phone companies are commanding people, specifically women, to buy shoes! Poor women. What chance do their fragile female psyches stand against the power of subliminal messages? They can't even piss standing up, much less fight off strong mental manipulation.
Mobile = Shoes?
You can imagine how it works…
Steve: "Hey, hon, its Steve calling. What's up?"
Steve's Girl: "Oh, hey, Steve. Well I…"
BUY SHOEEEESSS!
Steve's Girl: "I… um… What was I talking about?"
BUY SHOEEEESSS!
Steve: "You were telling me what's up."
Steve's ho: "Oh yes, well I think I'm going to town to buy shoes."
Steve: "Sounds good. So we're still meeting for the movie at eight, yeah?"
DON’T UNDERSTAND SPORT AND BITCH A LOT FOR NO REASOOON!
Steve's Girl: "God, you're so insensitive! If you don't understand what you've done wrong I'm not going to tell you… bitch… whine… etc. etc."
And so on.
It isn't hard to figure out the kind of messages these evil phone companies are subjecting us to.
Now this is the part of the article where I would usually investigate the motives behind these subliminal messages and then deduce a cunning and heroic plan to thwart their evil doing. You know, a bit like Columbo only less retarded.
But not today, dear reader, because I can actually see a value in these subliminal messages. If we can convince the phone companies to use their power for good rather than evil, perhaps by showing them videos of the cartoon series "Arthur" until they realise that people should all share, get along, and that loose teeth are a normal part of growing up, we might just be able to make this world a little better for all of us!
I mean, why can't subliminal messages be used for good? How about we use the technology to entice boy bands to either slash their wrists or quit, for example? Or perhaps play the alphabet repeatedly in George Bush's calls until he gains the ability to construct a legible sentence?
The possibilities are endless!